I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
