Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize