I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
