By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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