maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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