he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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