dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
