i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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