where am i from again
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
