Will you blow on my dice?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
