i can't believe i had my finger in that
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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