I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
