Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
