thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I fill condoms, not promises.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
