I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
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I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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