At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
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I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
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We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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