I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
