new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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