is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
