So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
