you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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