My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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