i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
