When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
