Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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