His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
