sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
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Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
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He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I believe in your delicious
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.