he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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