Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
someone owes me an orgasm
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
