and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize