Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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