I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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