this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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