grandma shit on top of the toilet
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
