i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
