So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
