Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
