hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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