You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
