im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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