Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm always down for nudity.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
