the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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