life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
do nipples grow back?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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