I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
