can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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