Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
