omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
