chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
