Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
