so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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