I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
