At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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