Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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