he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
