we have pet lesbian snakes
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
