I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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