I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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