did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
