Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
