Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
