I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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