o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
